How Gendo Does Christmas
by Hideki Omega
Summary: On the summit of Mt. Asama, one man will rediscover Christmas, and drag everyone else down with him. Gendo goes Christmas... God help us all...
1. On the first day of Christmas

Hello... you... I see my hypnotic powers were successful in bringing you into my lair... Or maybe you just like Christmas. Either way, it's good. You see, being born on Christmas made me feel that I had the right... no, the duty to keep the spirit of Christmas alive year 'round! Nothing wrong with Christmas in July... So, my friends, I invite you to gather 'round the blazing yule, grab a glass of nog, sit back, and enjoy the EVA Christmas story that was never meant to be!

**Disclaimer:** Tell me... If I _did_ own Evangelion and all of its characters, why would I be writing a _fan _fiction? Seriously!

On with the show!

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**How Gendo Does Christmas **

**Central Dogma, ****10:13 AM******

"I feel… Happy…" Supreme commander Gendo Ikari muttered from behind his folded hands. Fuyutsuki did a spit-take with the Mountain Dew he was drinking.

"I beg your pardon?" He said, clearing his ears.

Gendo glanced at his Garfield day-to-day calendar. "It's almost Christmas time, Kouzou. The time when bliss seems to seep from the very air, and when brotherly acts don't feel so…flamboyant…"

Fuyutsuki shifted nervously in his chair, "Well, sir, all of the angels have been eradicated; why not give the employees a Christmas vacation?"

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**Katsuragi/Ikari/Soryu residence, ****10:15 PM******

Major Misato Katsuragi sat upright from her position on the couch and wiped the beer foam from her lips. It feels like something stupid is about to happen… she thought to herself.

Suddenly the shrill warble of the telephone filled the air. Misato looked at the phone, and, out of sheer laziness, called for her charges. "Shinji? Asuka? Could one of you get that?"

The sound of hustled footsteps became audible as Shinji turned the corner into the living room. Spying Misato mere inches from the phone, he let out a sigh.

"Pathetic…" Shinji remarked under his breath whilst picking up the receiver. "Hello? Katsuragi residence."

A pause. Chills ran down Shinji's spine as the cold, baritone voice of his father came to his ears. After several seconds, Shinji put the phone down. "That was the commander. He wants us to report to headquarters."

Misato gave him a quizzical look, "Now? It's Sunday. We always get the day off on Sunday!"

"I know, but he said it is of utter importance that we arrive at NERV within the hour. We are to bring with us clothing and supplies for a week, as well as any personal luxuries that we may miss."

"Has he gone mad?" Misato wondered.

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**Misato's car, 10:48 PM**

There was a fire in the car. And by that I mean Asuka was pissed…

"Du Vollidiot! Ich kann nicht glauben, dass ich zusammen mit diesem Trottel gehen wuerde!" Asuka bellowed at Shinji. Misato, being fluent in German, spun around."Asuka! You keep quiet or I'll oder _ich lasse dich nie wieder mit _**Kaji**_ ausgehen_!" 

Needless to say, that shut Asuka up pretty quick.

"Um, Misato?" Shinji nervously spoke up.

"What is it?" Misato looked at him.

"Maybe you should keep your eyes on the road…"

"Huh?" Misato looked ahead and slammed on the breaks "Oh crap…"she said, looking into her rear-view mirror. She had just driven off the road, through 2 picnics, a retirement party, over a blind couple, a funeral, and through the Japanese Endangered Wildlife Refuge, flattening two Siberian tigers.

"Oopsie" she giggled nervously and backed her car off of the lemonade stand she had parked on.

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**Central Dogma, 10:57**

Fuyutsuki looked over the group of confused individuals before them. Among the group were Shinji, Asuka, Toji, Kensuke, Hikari, Misato, Kaji, Ritsuko, Maya, Makoto, and Shigeru.

"This isn't what I had in mind, Ikari…" Fuyutsuki commented.

"Quiet, you! I know best! That's why I'm the commander!"

"No, you're the commander because Chairman Keel was drunk as an Irishman the night we picked jobs, and you took advantage of him!"

**Flashback**

**2010: SEELE Headquarters**

"Gentlemen, please! Can we have some order?!" Fuyutsuki looked over the group of drunken Germans while Gendo continued to hand out drinks.

"Ikari's the man!" One SEELE member cheered.

"So, my friends, who do you want as the commander?" Gendo exclaimed, "Boring, old, Fuyutsuki, or the man who knows how to par-TAY?!"

"Gendo! Gendo! Gendo!" They all began to chant in unison.

Fuyutsuki leaned over to Keel and pleaded, "Please, Lorenz, you've got to listen to reason!"

Keel put his hand in the middle of Fuyutsuki's face and pushed him backwards, then grabbed Gendo by the collar and pulled him close, mumbling "YoU'rE a PuRdY gIrL!"

**End Flashback**

"I told you never to speak of that!" Gendo cursed.

"Would somebody mind telling me what the HELL we're doing here?!" Asuka demanded.

Gendo and Fuyutsuki looked at her, and, deciding it was probably best not to aggravate the girl, Gendo began his speech.

"Greetings, everyone. As you are all well aware of, Christmas is in six days. In the spirit of the holiday, I have rented a large cabin near the summit of Mt. Asama. You shall all be accompanying me at the said cabin for the six days remaining until Christmas. Any objections will result in the immediate deduction of your Christmas bonus."

"WHAT!?" Asuka screamed, cracking Kensuke's glasses. "It's bad enough that I have to spend _any_ of my time with these two morons," Shinji and Misato leered at her, "but to have to spend a week with the rest of you just makes me want to punch Toji in the kidneys!"

"Hey!"

"Asuka's right, commander. What in God's name are you thinking?" Ritsuko accused.

Every one around him began nodding in agreement with Ritsuko.

Gendo smirked. "Assuming that the majority of you would object, I took special measures to ensure a safe and efficient transportation to Mt. Asama. Take 'em away, Rei!"

The roof of the building was suddenly hoisted off the walls, and a large blue hand reached down and scooped up the room's occupants. The prototype EVA Unit 00 then proceeded to dump the handful of individuals into a black Volkswagen bus with the NERV logo painted in red on the side. Gendo leapt into the drivers seat and, turning the key, pulled the vehicle up next to the EVA's crouched form. The white hub of the entry-plug popped out of the spine and out climbed a tiny blue haired figure that slid gracefully down the unit's arm and climbed into the bus.

"Good work, Rei" the commander said to the girl, who gave him no response but a slight nod.

**On the road to ****Mt.****Asama****, ****11:42 AM******

"C'mon, guys, lets try to make the best of this!" Shinji smiled as he tried to lighten things up a bit. The rest of the occupants looked at him as a lion looks upon a baby antelope. He quickly shot his eyes to the floor.

"No, Shinji's right. Think of it as a vacation. We get to spend a week in at a mountain resort, relax, kick up our feet, and still get paid for it!" Misato reasoned.

"Yeah, and because it's near the summit, we can have a real white Christmas!" Kensuke added. The mood seemed to brighten up a bit.

Chills ran down everyone's spine as Gendo said in a sing-song voice "We're heeeere!" No one was used to Christmas Gendo quite yet. After he unlocked the back door, everyone jumped out and looked excitedly at their mountain resort. The soft sound of eleven jaws hitting the snow covered ground echoed through the mountains. It was the most horrific thing they had ever seen. A close examination revealed a two story cabin of cracked oak and decaying cedar. The windows were insulated with newspaper, the nails were rusted thin, the leaks were plugged with gray human hair, and the sound of bats having sex in the chimney was clearly audible from the streets. A small vein in Asuka's forehead began to take shape.

_"Was zur Hoelle!!" _She bellowed at the top of her lungs. A faint rumble started to build from the top of the mountain. Everyone turned around in time to see their bus crushed by a large pile of snow. Asuka's vein popped, and before anyone could blink, Toji was on the ground with a bruised kidney.

* * *

Well, thats the first of seven chapters I will be forcing you to read. Ok, maybe asking. Or begging... or paying... Anyway! I hope you enjoy the show from here on out. If you know any German, I reccomend you translate some of Asuka's curses. altough, I think they pretty much speak for themselves... Constructive criticism is welcome, as always, and I wouldn't mind having a pre-reader, either. If your interested in becoming a pre-reader, just say so in your review. Ok, so, the next chapter won't take too long to arrive, so until then! 


	2. Arrival

Here it is, at last! The critically acclaimed masterwork of How Gendo Does Christmas is finally back in action. Due to a minor system crash, I was unable to post this story earlier, but here it is, all shiny and new! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: yes, I do own Evangelion! (_Note: today is opposite day)_

**Near the Summit of Mt. Asama, 11:43 AM**

Gendo slowly approached the entrance to the cabin and reached a shaky hand toward the knob. Before he grabbed it, he turned his head to look at the group. Impatience and murder rested in their eyes. He gulped loudly.

"This won't be so bad…" he turned to the door and grabbed the knob, and, with a loud poof, the door disintegrated. As the dust cleared, Gendo looked down at the rusted knob resting in his white-gloved hand. Then he looked back at the pile of snow covering their bus, then to the knob, then finally to the group. The crackling of bones could be heard as a grin slowly crossed his face for the first time anyone could remember.

He lost it.

"We are going to have a _good_ Christmas… GoOd ChRiStMaS!" He said in a hysteric voice. Moving as one, the group took a giant step backward.

"He's finally cracked…" Kaji whispered to Fuyutsuki, who stood speechless, his lips slightly parted.

"He's right. Gendo's sense of reason doesn't seem to be working full throttle." Ritsuko motioned. They all looked over at Gendo, who had put the doorknob up his nose. Everyone sorta nodded in agreement. After a few minutes of pulling himself together, Gendo gestured for the group to enter. They hesitantly complied. The cabin was… rustic? Yeah, let's go with that. Rustic.

"Well, this isn't so bad…" Kaji remarked optimistically, "Look, this is a solid oak floor!" He stomped twice before falling through to the floor below. "And there's a kick- ass basement down here!"

Once everyone was situated, they took a look at their surroundings. The found themselves in a large room that was two stories tall. The second story overlooked the first from a balcony overhead in front of them. A fireplace stood on the wall to their right, surrounded by a couch, a few armchairs, and a coffee table. To their left was a set of stairs that led to the second story, which held several bedrooms and a full bathroom. Directly in front of them where the separate entrances to what appeared to be a kitchen, a small bathroom, a den, and a large bedroom, respectively. The whole place was rundown, dreary, and smelled of fierce animal love. They all shuddered at once. Don't ask me how Kaji got back up.

"We should probably get unpacked…" Hikari spoke up.

"Agreed. The sub-commander and I will take the master bedroom." Gendo said stoically. Fuyutsuki gulped. Everyone else quivered.

The group carefully made their way up the rotting stairwell to find three small bedrooms, each containing two full-sized beds and a large, dusty dresser.

"What! But, there are twelve of us! How the hell are we gonna sleep here?" Asuka ranted. Misato pondered for a moment, before she decided the best course of action.

"Okay, we'll split up in an orderly, and _appropriate_ fashion" she said. Asuka huffed, knowing this destroyed her chances of being in the same bed as Kaji.

"The six children will take the first room, with the girls in one bed, and the boys in the other." She explained

"You mean I have to sleep in the same bed as _her!_" Asuka flared, pointing an accusing finger at the impassive Rei.

"I know it'll be cramped, but for the time being, we'll have to make due."

"_Unglaublich_…" Asuka seethed, "Unbelievable…"

"Ritsuko, Maya and I will take the second bedroom," Misato continued, "but two of us will have to share a bed."

"I will share with Dr. Akagi!" Maya beamed, glancing dreamily at the doctor.

"Okaaayyyy… then that leaves you three guys with the final bedroom" Misato motioned to Kaji, Shigeru, and Makoto, who nodded in acceptance,

"Right, then! Lets get unpacked!"

**Downstairs, in the Master Bedroom**

Fuyutsuki tried to break the awkward silence with the commander with small talk.

"So, how'd you find this place?" He cautioned, glancing at the doorknob in his nose.

"My father used to take me here as a child. It's the only house to survive Second Impact in the entire Kanto region." Gendo responded, a hint of dreaminess in his voice.

"So _that _must be why this place is so run down!"

"It is not run down! It's well loved!" He said matter-of-factly.

"Aha…" Fuyutsuki watched as Gendo unpacked his belongings. "…I like your jammies." He was struck with a snotty doorknob.

**Upstairs, in the Children's Bedroom**

"I cant even BELIEVE this!" Asuka was having a fit as the others unpacked their clothes in silence, trying to tolerate the yelling. "And what was Misato thinking when she put me in a room with you four idiots!" She was referring, of course, to the Three Stooges and Wondergirl. Asuka loved having Hikari around, seeing as they were best friends.

**In the Women's Bedroom**

"Well, I guess this isn't so bad…" Misato was lucky enough to select the least crappy bedroom.

"Yes, I think the others are just over reacting…" Dr. Akagi mused in response.

As Misato dug feverishly through her belongings, something feathery and puffy suddenly leapt from her duffle bag. "Pen-Pen! You little stowaway! What are you doing in my bag?" Misato rubbed his head.

"Wark wark wark! (Insolent bitch! You placed me in this polyester prison in a feeble attempt to bring me along on this madman's masquerade!)"

"Aw, you should have told me if you wanted to come along!" Misato said picking him up onto her lap.

"Wark Wark! (Unhand me, vile wench! Curse the day you took me from my Antarctic home!)" He flashed back to the day he was taken from the Genetic R&D Department in NERV, but was quickly brought back to reality by the touch of Misato's hand tickling his belly. "Wark! (You sick woman!)"

**In the Men's Bedroom**

Shigeru and Makoto watched wide-eyed as Kaji unpacked several fresh-picked watermelons from his duffle bag.

"What?" He asked defensively.

**Downstairs, in the Living Room, 3:26 PM**

"I assume you have all unpacked?" Gendo asked as the group descended the stairs to meet him and the Sub-Commander in the living room. He appeared to have regained some of his stolid, icy demeanor.

"Yes sir, Commander, we all just finished." Misato said as she descended the stairs, leading the group behind her with a pissed Pen-Pen in her arms.

"And were is the Second Child?" Gendo queried.

"Asuka?" Misato looked over to Hikari, expecting her to know.

"I thought she was behind Shinji." She said, looking to the startled boy, along with the rest of the group.

At a loss for words, Shinji stammered "Oh, uh, well, I think she stayed, in, uh, the room, when we left…"

Misato sighed, "Ah, well, let her come out when she's ready"

**Upstairs, in the Children's Bedroom**

"This it so stupid! I could be at home, taking a nice, warm shower right now, but here I am, stuck, for who knows how long, in an under-heated rotting pile of splinters with no way to get home! It's ludicrous!" Asuka was fuming mad as she plopped down on the bed, laying her head on the ratty pillow. She immediately sat back up, however, and looked back down at the pillow with a puzzled stare. Something wasn't quite right with the way it felt. Not just lumpy, but… warm? She cautiously brought a finger to the surface and poked it. A slight stirring, then silence. 'Peculiar…' she thought. Then, ever so slowly, she hooked a finger into the opening of the pillow case and, lifting it open, peered inside…

**Downstairs, in the Living Room**

"Our top priority now is to locate a source of food" Gendo stated, his cold attitude back in action. He opened his mouth to speak again, but was cut off by an ear-shattering screech from the children's bedroom.

"Asuka!" Misato cried as she ran back up the stairs, the rest of the group on her heels. She burst through the door to find a flailing Asuka with a brownish, furry object clinging to her face. All the group could do was stare in confusion, no one really sure of what to do. Then, without any warning, an enigmatic Rei Ayanami walked coolly to the screaming child and in one swift motion, brought the furry ball from Asuka's face, and lowered it to the ground, where it scurried off into a fairly large sized hole in the wall.

"A raccoon!" Toji exclaimed.

"It… It was h-humping my eyeballs…" Asuka said, her eyes wide and bloodshot.

**Later that Night, in the Living Room, 6:45 PM**

"Well, this sucks…" Kensuke said as the group sat on the couches, surveying the freeze-dried food that Gendo had found. It turns out that the commander and his father left it here when he was younger. The only source of light was that of the fire Ritsuko had lit in the fireplace. The wood was so dry, however, that it was burning fast.

"A couple of bags of peanuts, 27 cans of tuna, and about 600 bags of instant ramen." Hikari motioned.

"This sure isn't my idea of a good Christmas…"Shigeru said. Gendo perked is head up suddenly.

"What do you _mean_ 'not your idea of a good Christmas'? This is going to be the best Christmas EVER! We'll start tomorrow by cutting down our own tree, and we'll sing Christmas carols in the snow! This is gonna be great!"

Everyone sighed heavily.

"We should probably get to bed. It's best to get an early night…" Misato spoke up. Everyone nodded and began making their way upstairs.

**In the Children's Bedroom**

Shinji lay on his bed in the darkened room, between the forms of Toji and Kensuke, looking up at yet another unfamiliar ceiling.

'Sigh. Well, maybe this wont be so bad…' he thought to himself. Suddenly he felt movement from Kensuke, and heard a light slapping sound from beneath the sheets. Shinji groaned. _Maybe I thought too soon…_

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Well, that's it for this chapter. Hope you liked it! I just _know_ you did… thank you to my German translator MyWay, and thank you to all who have helped me translate the language properly. Also, I know it's a little Americanized, but I think it's funny, so I apologize if it detracts from the story at all. Thank you for reading, and I promise to update more frequently.


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